Professional Backslider

"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love..." 

Perhaps more than any other, the Christian hymn, "Come Thou Fount," is one I can deeply relate to... painfully so. 

I've been wandering and struggling for a lot of years at this point. Painful church experiences, losing our business (and the demise that led to it), painful family circumstances (at times crises) and all set in the midst of a global pandemic where the whole world seems to have lost its mind-- it has been the recipe that has led me to relegating the Lord to the "corner" of my life. That's where He seemed to me to be standing, waiting patiently, for me to invite Him back to the center and throne, which I did not do. 

As 2022 transitioned into 2023, I was ready for a change I desperately needed to change. I was really missing my Father. He hadn't gone anywhere, but I had gotten into a bad habit of ignoring His presence. There was no active rebellion, no bitterness, it just happened, the more I focused on my life and circumstances, the more the Lord seemed to fade from my view.  I knew He was there, I just stopped acknowledging it. 

The third Sunday in January, I found myself sitting in a new church that I had never attended before. It had been like 6 or 9 months since the last time I attended any church, and I landed at this one through a casual conversation turned deep with another believer that I'd never really talked to at any depth before.  

On that first Sunday at the new church they were talking about a corporate fast they were planning to begin on the following Saturday.  It was an open invitation, the only boundaries that it be a TRUE fast which meant it had to be related to FOOD in some way. I had been wanting so desperately to reconnect with the Lord, to invite Him out of the corner, that this invitation to fast felt like no coincidence. 21 days, to me, spoke of a Daniel Fast, so that's what I decided to do.  For 21 days, no meat or dairy (any animal products), not preservatives, no refined sugars or grains.  I decided, like Daniel, who three times a day would "stop and pray,"  I would three times a day stop and focus my eyes on the Lord and connect with him. 

Morning - I would wake up and read my new Bible reading plan and read a day in the 21 day devotional written by the pastor's wife of the new church, as well as watch her daily devotional video. "Noon" - I would take a break in my day and go on a "worship walk" with Him. God and I have this "thing" where I put Pandora on and ask Him to play the songs He wants me to hear. (And He's shown up there so many times) Night - I decided I would read from another devotional, spend time in the Word (the Book of Daniel since my Bible conveniently broke that into a three week schedule), and spend time "journal praying," talking to God. 

The morning and noon plans were pretty simple to put into practice.  I missed a couple walks because of weather, but I never missed a morning reading.  The evening practice was a little harder to develop.  I started by just grabbing my Bible and journal and bringing it to my easy chair without even turning off the TV.  I was completely distracted, not engaged, and more comfortable keeping it that way. 

After the first couple nights, I knew the Lord was asking for more.  The easy chair with the TV in the background wasn't going to cut it. After a couple nights, I felt the Lord inviting me to "the table" in my kitchen-- just the two of us, no distractions. It was a battle to obey. I resisted turning off the TV and getting alone with God. That's how it started.  Then a couple nights later, it started to change. In fact, by the third night as I sat and watched a favorite weekly show, I found myself checking my watch, wondering when I my show would be over so I could get to the kitchen. 

The impact to these nightly meetings was profound. I stopped swearing (and if you know me, you know that's a big accomplishment-- and I wasn't even trying!) I was more patient, more forgiving. I was able to let even hard things go.  God was speaking and I was listening.  The Daniel Fast itself was also having a powerful impact.  I felt better physically and mentally.  This new way of eating felt empowering in a way.  And even though cravings would come up, I would just look at the Lord and say, "I don't have to give into that," and I didn't. He changed my prayer life profoundly. I was praying-- interceding, for so many, daily. 

My "tank" was full of the Holy Spirit and I felt His presence and His guidance in ways I hadn't felt in such a long time. I saw the truth of the Scripture, "Abide in Me, and you will bear much fruit."  And all of them were showing up! Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, even the ever-elusive self-control!  And I knew to the depth of my soul, it wasn't about me, I wasn't doing these things, God was growing them in me.  And it felt amazing! 

Even after the 21 days, I kept meeting with the Lord at the table every night. My eating went back to "normal" but my morning reading continued, my noon walks became sporadic then non existent, and then about a week after the fast I stopped coming to the table. My praying ceased. 

Even though I had this profound experience during this fast, one that felt lifechanging while it was happening, I just wandered away again. 

"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love..." 

Why? I can't explain it.  But Paul could. 

I do not understand what I do. 

For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." 

Romans 7:15

What a painful truth. And when the abiding stopped... so did the fruit. 

I would wake up daily with anxiety and fear-- no peace. My eating quickly went out of control-- self-control was gone. No joy. No faithfulness. It all fell apart.  Struggle and striving came back in its way, running me down in my life. 

Meanwhile, the Lord kept coming to the table, waiting for me to join Him there.  He wasn't standing in the corner observing this time.  He sat, He waited, and He invited me. I knew He was waiting for me at the table, and I would call out from my easy chair, "maybe tomorrow." 

It took me two weeks of "maybe tomorrow's," struggling with anxiety and fear, feeling out of control and suffering until I could not take it anymore.  Then I finally relented. 

I got out of my chair, turned off the TV, and I went to Him, where He welcomed me with open arms. Like He always has. 

I don't know why I struggle the way I do to be consistent and disciplined in the things of God, but I do. And when I give into the struggle and I wander away, I suffer for it.  But when I just get up and take the one step forward, when I just answer God's call and accept His invitation, He meets me there. 

I've been "back on track" for a couple of days, and even just the first morning, I woke up and the anxiety was gone. None of my circumstances have changed, but God changes me.  True to His Word...

You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. 

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in Me. 

I am the Vine you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, 

bears much fruit; for without Me, you can do nothing." 

John 15: 3-5 NKJV

Maybe someone reading this can relate? That's my hope. That's why I am sharing my struggle, because I doubt I am alone.  Anxiety and fear? Lack of self-control? Are you tired of striving and trying to will yourself to do and be better?  

I want to encourage you, just take a single step into God's invitation.  Maybe like me, He just wants you to come and sit at His table.  Maybe He wants to take a walk with you.  Perhaps He'll even meet you in your easy chair.  The what and the where of the invitation is not what is critical.  It's the Who.  Just say "yes" to the Who.  He will meet you, and He will change you-- even if He has to do it over and over again... 

You will show me the path of life;

In Your presence is fullness of joy;

At your right hand are pleasures forevermore

Psalm 16:11

In an inconsistent world, come and sit at the feet of an unchanging God, the One Who will never give up on you, never lose patience with you, and never fail to meet you right where you are. He is bigger than your circumstances, greater than your struggles, and loves you more than you can comprehend.  He is making an invitation, whether it's the 1st of the 5000th, it's His invitation to YOU. Accept it.  Find the peace of His presence, and rest in it. Abide in Him, and let Him change you. It's worth it.