Take Me Back - Part 2

In case you missed it: Take Me Back - Part 1

Last night was such a precious time with the Lord, and even a victorious one, then, of course this morning, warfare started. 

The bridge of this song is one thing that really stood out to me as I was listening last night: 

When it was all simple

And loving was easy

When it was all simple

And trusting was easy

When it was all simple

(And loving) And loving was easy

Way back when, in these "altar days" of my life, things were simpler.  I was fighting for my family, I was fighting for my kids. The battle lines were clear. I was doing the fighting, God before me, Neal by my side, and our children behind us-- for protection, 

These days are harder, because I still feel all those same protective feelings. I still want to fight for my kids, but all too often it feels like instead of being behind me, they are standing against me.  Yes, I've heard all the commentary. They are adults now. I need to "let go," and "trust God," but sometimes (all too often) when they are making dangerous choices it's really hard to just look the other way.  It's hard to care and not do, or at least say, something.  And the alternative to completely separate myself and not care at all is darn near impossible. 

The last three years have been some of the hardest of my life as a parent.  I feel like I have been in a fight that is constant and difficult, and I am realizing that the issue is I have confused who my actual enemy is.  When my kids were little, I knew exactly who my enemy was and where to direct the fight. I so simply loved those children, and they were easy to love. It was easy to trust God with their future. And even though I made a lot of mistakes, I loved them, and that was enough.  And they loved and trusted me back. 

It would be fantastic if around the time our kids graduated high school, we could "graduate" from parenting.  Or maybe on their 18th birthdays, like our sons register for the draft, we could register for some sort of retirement? It's all wishful thinking, but what I have discovered about myself is that anger is easier. But I've spent the last couple years being angry while futilely trying to protect my kids from themselves and their own choices. And all I've ended up with is anger and resentment-- on both sides of the battle. 

As I sit here and type this, everything in me wants to explain and justify, but at the end of the day, this isn't actually about my kids, it about me.  It's about me and God.  And it's about what God has pointed out-- that I need to remember who my enemy actually is, and who I actually need to battle.. and most importantly Who I need to partner with in that battle... those battles. 

I also need to remember that sometimes (oftentimes?) the real battle doesn't involve anyone other than me. God has so much He wants and needs to do in me, and I keep climbing off the operating table. 

I do desperately miss the old days when I felt like I could keep my kids safe... or at least feel like I was keeping them safe.  The reality is, though, that they were always in God's hands. And they are in God's hands now... even if they keep climbing off the operating table... or wandering out of the operating room altogether.  I may feel frustrated and stumped by them, but God does not. 

So as much as I long for the "old days" what God wants to take me back to is the "old faith."  He wants the faith that busts into His "office" and demands He move in their lives.  He wants the faith that no matter how profound the risk seems that I could actually lose them, still willingly puts them in His far more capable hands. He wants to take me back to the faith that no matter how much it hurts to love, still trusts.

 

God wants to take me back to the girl who pored over His word until she found a verse or a promise that she could grab hold of, and plant her faith in.. One that she would mark and circle in her Bible and stand on with confidence and expectation in her life.  

I believe that God is calling me to this "Altar Journey" to remind of how much better it was to put the broken and fractured things in my life into his far more capable hands.  It is better to trust His timing and His ways, and most of all to trust His love and His character. 

He knows and understands that it's no easy task, but what other option do I have? I really have just made a mess trying to do things on my own these last few years, and as much as I am longing for a simpler time, God is really far more interested in taking me back to a simpler faith. I give my friends permission to remind me of that when my "flesh and my heart fail," because they surely will. 

It's funny, I went on a little walk earlier and had an "a-ha" moment with God that gave me a lot to think about. It occurred to me, that my children don't really know me very well. I have 24, 31 and 32 years of life experience (respectively)-- dreams, hopes, disappointments-- that they weren't even in the world for. They have this very narrow perception of who we are compared to how well we know the people that we have loved, raised and watched over since their earliest days. We really know a lot, barring what they hide from us. And as of right now, none of my children have any understanding of what it even is to have a part of your heart living outside of your body. (Though one is about to find out...) But as I am writing this now, it occurs to me, that God knows best, because God knows all-- with all of us. I think that used to be a truth I had a better grasp of in the past. 

So if the Lord wants to take me back to those days of simpler faith, greater confidence in Him, and a stronger anchor in His Word, I'm ready to go... Lord, take me back. 

I've got some traveling to do....