I've had a lot of "altar moments" in the 31 years that I've been a Christian. Many... Most? Almost all(?) of them have been connected to my kids, a lot of them specifically to my daughter.
The first time I ever heard the voice of the Lord, He spoke to me about my daughter. I guess you could say, even though it happened in a moving car, driving down a Southern California freeway, it was my very first "altar moment" with the Lord.
Truth be told, I didn't even know at the time that God could or would speak to His kids. I was a brand new Christian who was just starting to learn about the God of the Bible. I had recently come to Christ in a very difficult, desperate and painful way. I was a very broken woman over a past abortion. I had recently experienced my first miscarriage and I was convinced that God was punishing me for my sin. I was fortunate to have been invited to a church that had an entire ministry and Bible study for women like me who were coming to terms with the sin and pain of abortion in their past.
It was a long and at times extremely painful process as God unpacked it all with me. On this particular night in 1992 I was riding in the passenger seat while my husband was driving us down the freeway hosting my own personal pity party in my head. I had tried for over two years to get pregnant to no avail. I didn't find out I finally was pregnant until I was in the throws of an extremely sudden and painful miscarriage. As we were driving down the freeway I was feeling sorry for myself, convinced I would never be a mom.
Suddenly, interrupting my pity party, I heard, clear as a bell, the words, "You will have a daughter." It was so clear, I thought Neal might have said it, but when I asked him to repeat himself, he told me he hadn't said anything. So, obviously it wasn't an audible voice, but it was SO clear in my spirit, that I thought I had heard it with my ears. As I sat there reflecting, I found myself awestruck by the fact that God had spoken to me for the first time.
It was 10 years and 2 sons later before she showed up, but I never wavered in my faith that she was coming. It had been that profound an experience. When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I knew he was a boy from the moment I read the pink line on the stick, and with my second son, when we adopted him, the Lord gave me his name, I knew he wasn't going to be my daughter. I knew I was going to birth that promise physically myself.
I had a lot of altar moments surrounding her. The Lord gave me her name in 1996. At the time I was running an online ministry to other women who had had abortions, and one day I was ministering to a woman in a chat room with my Bible open on my lap. As I was reading and typing a particular scripture, it stopped me in my tracks.
"For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the VICTORY that has overcome the world-- our faith." I John 5:4
I knew as I read it, that my promised daughter's name was "Victoria." Her middle name "Gayle" came later in honor of the book of Galatians when I read the verse that said, "'Rejoice, O barren, YOU who do not bear! Break forth and shout, YOU who are not in labor! For the desolate has many more children than she who has a husband.' Now we, brethren as Isaac was, are children of promise." (4:27-28)
This was a promise that was for all three of my kids, God had a call on their lives, and I felt confident of it. And the verse that Tori is named for actually became an anchor and, for me, our family verse. In 1998-1999, I had a couple more altar moments regarding my daughter. I had, at that point, been waiting for the promise to be fulfilled. I had given birth to my oldest son Jacob in early 1994, suffered a second miscarriage in August of 1995. I was certain the promise would be fulfilled, but I was growing impatient.
One night I was at what we used to call "mini-church," which was an in-home Bible study. During a time of corporate worship and prayer, as I prayed with my eyes closed I had a vision. At that point I had learned to recognize how God would speak to me, but this was not the norm. Typically it would be in my "feels" or in word pictures, but this particular night what I was was extremely visual. I could see the "hem of his garment" very clearly. It was so clear I was trying to touch it. I knew the story of the woman with "the issue of blood" in the Bible and remembered that all she had to do was touch it and God could heal me too, but no matter how hard I tried, it was beyond my reach. I was honestly a little sad and confused as the time of worship and prayer came to a close. When I opened my eyes, a woman that I honestly wasn't particularly fond of was staring at me. Even though we clashed a lot, I knew she knew the Lord well and heard from Him. She cocked her head and looked at me and said, "The Lord said, 'You don't need to be healed.'" I knew in that moment that God had spoken. And a few months later. I found myself in a time of worship again, this time making my plea with God. I was REALLY impatient for the promise at that point. "I'M READY!!" I told him. "Why won't you send her to me??" And crystal clear to my spirit I "heard" Him say, "It's not about when YOU are ready. It's about when SHE is called." It was so clearly a word from the Lord that I built my "altar" there and never questioned His timing again.
Two years later when she finally showed up, her presence alone was a reminder that I could trust God to keep His promises in his time. By this time Ethan had been born 10 months before her and brought into our family, but his adoption was a 3+ year nightmare that is also filled with altar moment surrounding him. And we spent a lot of time in a limbo that required standing on promises that God made over Ethan (starting with his name), and there were some days of serious doubt and fear about IF God would keep His word. Then I would look at my little girl as she slept in her crib and be reminded that God ALWAYS keeps His promises-- in His way, in His time.
The last few years, things have really fallen apart between me and that little girl in the crib who reminded me of God's faithfulness and promises. Truth be told, they have fallen so completely apart and our relationship has so drastically changed for the worst, that it's made me question His promises. I've fostered and fed this huge doubt that has caused me to wonder if I ever really heard His voice. Pain has overwhelmed my confidence and faith. I've at times doubted that I EVER heard the voice of the Lord. And the enemy has done everything he can to insert himself in this situation to drive apart me and the Lord, me and my faith, and me and my daughter.
In Revelation 12:11 the Bible says that we overcome the enemy "by the blood of the Lamb, and the WORD of our TESTIMONY." And the fact is that my testimony is filled with these altar moments where God has spoken to me and made me very direct and personal promises. He's even reminded me of, and finally clarified, one that I have been holding onto for many years. A phrase He gave me a long time ago that I didn't really know how to apply until very recently.
Now, mind you, I don't see ANY sign of this word or promise being fulfilled, but at the same time that the Lord has brought me some clarification of it, He has also given me the world "altar" for 2023. I can't help but feel like the Lord has a plan here. He's drawing me back, He's reminding me of His promise and He's asking me to revisit His faithfulness in my past.
"For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry." Habakkuk 2:3 NKJV
"God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should repent. Has He said, and will He not do? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?" Numbers 23:19 NKJV
"For God's gifts and His call can never be withdrawn; He will NEVER go back on His promises." Romans 11:29
Altars are built as a reminder. God has asked me to remember.
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
I remember.
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