Altar

 As 2022 was coming to a close, I spent some time alone with God.  A habit that has been being neglected for far too long.  Thankfully, the Lord had been waiting patiently for my "call." 

It's been a tough few years, and sadly, when evaluated overall, rather than driving me closer to the Lord, it has really just created a huge interruption in my fellowship with Him.  I choose the word "fellowship" rather than "relationship" because it's not as though my faith or belief was ever affected, just my effort and activity in it.  

In my mind I have seen it like the Lord has never ceased to be there, but it's like He's just been standing in the corner and waiting for me, patiently, and I have just remained silent... Silent in my grief... silent in my sadness... silent in my disappointment... silent in my pain. I've never blamed God. I've never felt inclined to ask Him "Why?" Or "why me?" I've never been angry-- with Him, though I have had a lot of anger. Maybe that was part of what kept me at bay? But it wasn't like I felt ashamed to take it to Him. I never felt like He was judging me for being angry.  I just didn't know what to say.  So as He would "sit" quietly in the corner, I would just let Him. I knew when I was ready, He would still be there.  After all, even when we are faithless, He is still faithful. (2 Tim 2:13)

There were times when I would reach out. Over the course of what has been YEARS, there would be weeks and even months where I would try.  I would try to read my Bible more faithfully, I would try to sit with Him and pray (in my journal mostly), but it never lasted long. There would even be times when my desperation would rise high enough, in the darkest and most painful moments, that I would really seek, but nothing would really change or get particularly better (maybe a times just a little less worse) and I would just sink back again-- too tired to try, leaving Him back in the "corner" to continue to wait for me. 

As 2022 came to a close though, I found myself a different kind of tired. I started to feel tired of missing God-- missing my Father. Because even though I was the one neglecting Him, I still missed Him.  And I missed the days and times where even when things were hard, I still felt close to Him. In fact, I started thinking about how the times I felt MOST close to Him, were in fact that hardest times of my life... until this season, which felt even harder. 

So I spent time with the Lord as 2022 came to an end, just wanting to be closer to Him.  And I asked Him what He wanted from me, and as I got quiet and I got into His word, I listened, and as He always does, He was speaking.  He reminded me of things He said before-- some things He has said many times. He even repeated something that I have held in my heart for a long time and never fully understood. Suddenly I was looking at it with a different perspective. (Kind of like I had been spending years trying to put a square peg in a round hole, and he showed me the square hole on a completely different peg board.) 

As I worked through this conversation in my journal, I asked Him for a word for 2023. It's a tradition from a church I used to attend a long time ago, and I always found it an encouragement. I had a little list of words, like hope (not a favorite of mine) or mercy, patience or peace.  All great words, but none of them really felt like mine.  

So I sat back and put my ear buds in and turned on worship and asked the Lord to speak to me. The song that came on was "O Come to the Altar," and I immediately knew it was His word for me for 2023.

What I don't yet know is exactly what it means. I sense it's more of a theme than a direction.  I think He's asking me to look back at the Altar moments in my life, of which there are many.  And I think He is going to ask me to build new altars in my life. So that's what this blog is going to be for me, a place where I walk out this Altar "call" God has made for me. 

If you know me, you know I am a very open, real and raw outward processor. If you don't know me, come back and keep reading, it won't be long before you feel like you do. Then you can decide if you want to stay after that. (Haha.) 

I'm ready to walk out whatever the Lord is calling me to. If you want to stroll along with me, I hope perhaps you'll find some encouragement, or maybe feel a little less alone in your own struggles. Or maybe I will just tell you a story.  I cannot predict what I don't yet know myself, but for anyone who wants to walk a little or all of this journey with me, I'm really glad you're here. 

Here is the song God used to speak to me. Maybe He wants you to meet him at the Altar as well.