Professional Backslider

"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love..." 

Perhaps more than any other, the Christian hymn, "Come Thou Fount," is one I can deeply relate to... painfully so. 

I've been wandering and struggling for a lot of years at this point. Painful church experiences, losing our business (and the demise that led to it), painful family circumstances (at times crises) and all set in the midst of a global pandemic where the whole world seems to have lost its mind-- it has been the recipe that has led me to relegating the Lord to the "corner" of my life. That's where He seemed to me to be standing, waiting patiently, for me to invite Him back to the center and throne, which I did not do. 

As 2022 transitioned into 2023, I was ready for a change I desperately needed to change. I was really missing my Father. He hadn't gone anywhere, but I had gotten into a bad habit of ignoring His presence. There was no active rebellion, no bitterness, it just happened, the more I focused on my life and circumstances, the more the Lord seemed to fade from my view.  I knew He was there, I just stopped acknowledging it. 

The third Sunday in January, I found myself sitting in a new church that I had never attended before. It had been like 6 or 9 months since the last time I attended any church, and I landed at this one through a casual conversation turned deep with another believer that I'd never really talked to at any depth before.  

On that first Sunday at the new church they were talking about a corporate fast they were planning to begin on the following Saturday.  It was an open invitation, the only boundaries that it be a TRUE fast which meant it had to be related to FOOD in some way. I had been wanting so desperately to reconnect with the Lord, to invite Him out of the corner, that this invitation to fast felt like no coincidence. 21 days, to me, spoke of a Daniel Fast, so that's what I decided to do.  For 21 days, no meat or dairy (any animal products), not preservatives, no refined sugars or grains.  I decided, like Daniel, who three times a day would "stop and pray,"  I would three times a day stop and focus my eyes on the Lord and connect with him. 

Morning - I would wake up and read my new Bible reading plan and read a day in the 21 day devotional written by the pastor's wife of the new church, as well as watch her daily devotional video. "Noon" - I would take a break in my day and go on a "worship walk" with Him. God and I have this "thing" where I put Pandora on and ask Him to play the songs He wants me to hear. (And He's shown up there so many times) Night - I decided I would read from another devotional, spend time in the Word (the Book of Daniel since my Bible conveniently broke that into a three week schedule), and spend time "journal praying," talking to God. 

The morning and noon plans were pretty simple to put into practice.  I missed a couple walks because of weather, but I never missed a morning reading.  The evening practice was a little harder to develop.  I started by just grabbing my Bible and journal and bringing it to my easy chair without even turning off the TV.  I was completely distracted, not engaged, and more comfortable keeping it that way. 

After the first couple nights, I knew the Lord was asking for more.  The easy chair with the TV in the background wasn't going to cut it. After a couple nights, I felt the Lord inviting me to "the table" in my kitchen-- just the two of us, no distractions. It was a battle to obey. I resisted turning off the TV and getting alone with God. That's how it started.  Then a couple nights later, it started to change. In fact, by the third night as I sat and watched a favorite weekly show, I found myself checking my watch, wondering when I my show would be over so I could get to the kitchen. 

The impact to these nightly meetings was profound. I stopped swearing (and if you know me, you know that's a big accomplishment-- and I wasn't even trying!) I was more patient, more forgiving. I was able to let even hard things go.  God was speaking and I was listening.  The Daniel Fast itself was also having a powerful impact.  I felt better physically and mentally.  This new way of eating felt empowering in a way.  And even though cravings would come up, I would just look at the Lord and say, "I don't have to give into that," and I didn't. He changed my prayer life profoundly. I was praying-- interceding, for so many, daily. 

My "tank" was full of the Holy Spirit and I felt His presence and His guidance in ways I hadn't felt in such a long time. I saw the truth of the Scripture, "Abide in Me, and you will bear much fruit."  And all of them were showing up! Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, even the ever-elusive self-control!  And I knew to the depth of my soul, it wasn't about me, I wasn't doing these things, God was growing them in me.  And it felt amazing! 

Even after the 21 days, I kept meeting with the Lord at the table every night. My eating went back to "normal" but my morning reading continued, my noon walks became sporadic then non existent, and then about a week after the fast I stopped coming to the table. My praying ceased. 

Even though I had this profound experience during this fast, one that felt lifechanging while it was happening, I just wandered away again. 

"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love..." 

Why? I can't explain it.  But Paul could. 

I do not understand what I do. 

For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." 

Romans 7:15

What a painful truth. And when the abiding stopped... so did the fruit. 

I would wake up daily with anxiety and fear-- no peace. My eating quickly went out of control-- self-control was gone. No joy. No faithfulness. It all fell apart.  Struggle and striving came back in its way, running me down in my life. 

Meanwhile, the Lord kept coming to the table, waiting for me to join Him there.  He wasn't standing in the corner observing this time.  He sat, He waited, and He invited me. I knew He was waiting for me at the table, and I would call out from my easy chair, "maybe tomorrow." 

It took me two weeks of "maybe tomorrow's," struggling with anxiety and fear, feeling out of control and suffering until I could not take it anymore.  Then I finally relented. 

I got out of my chair, turned off the TV, and I went to Him, where He welcomed me with open arms. Like He always has. 

I don't know why I struggle the way I do to be consistent and disciplined in the things of God, but I do. And when I give into the struggle and I wander away, I suffer for it.  But when I just get up and take the one step forward, when I just answer God's call and accept His invitation, He meets me there. 

I've been "back on track" for a couple of days, and even just the first morning, I woke up and the anxiety was gone. None of my circumstances have changed, but God changes me.  True to His Word...

You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. 

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in Me. 

I am the Vine you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, 

bears much fruit; for without Me, you can do nothing." 

John 15: 3-5 NKJV

Maybe someone reading this can relate? That's my hope. That's why I am sharing my struggle, because I doubt I am alone.  Anxiety and fear? Lack of self-control? Are you tired of striving and trying to will yourself to do and be better?  

I want to encourage you, just take a single step into God's invitation.  Maybe like me, He just wants you to come and sit at His table.  Maybe He wants to take a walk with you.  Perhaps He'll even meet you in your easy chair.  The what and the where of the invitation is not what is critical.  It's the Who.  Just say "yes" to the Who.  He will meet you, and He will change you-- even if He has to do it over and over again... 

You will show me the path of life;

In Your presence is fullness of joy;

At your right hand are pleasures forevermore

Psalm 16:11

In an inconsistent world, come and sit at the feet of an unchanging God, the One Who will never give up on you, never lose patience with you, and never fail to meet you right where you are. He is bigger than your circumstances, greater than your struggles, and loves you more than you can comprehend.  He is making an invitation, whether it's the 1st of the 5000th, it's His invitation to YOU. Accept it.  Find the peace of His presence, and rest in it. Abide in Him, and let Him change you. It's worth it. 

Ego

Yesterday I had an incident at my job that was really unfair.  I don't want to go into too many details but someone was having a bad day and they misread an email I sent to them and they came at me really hot.   Even after they realized their mistake, they had already unleashed and kept coming at me.  This person works remotely so all of our conversation was over the phone.  I was really getting blasted. I made that statement that I didn't understand why they were so upset with me and the response was "You talk too much."  

What they were referring to was me asking questions trying to clarify the orders being barked at me over the phone.  So I stopped asking questions. There was something that had to be done on her end before I could do what I needed to do for my job. They made the statement they they would do what needed to be done and then email me back.  In the midst of wanting to get away from a LOT of hostility, I made the mistake of taking that comment as the end of the phone conversation and I hung up. 

30 seconds later the phone rang and I REALLY got the goods. "DON'T YOU DARE EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!"  I told them I thought the conversation was over and apologized for my mistake.  I got told it wasn't  a mistake, that I was being "petty" and that I was going to get a talking to when they were in the office next week.  Then they ended the conversation and hung up. 

Honestly, I was pretty pissed off. I literally went from being the beloved golden employee the day before to suddenly being the petty problem employee who was going to require a meeting about my attitude. I am a 52-year-old woman who does NOT wish to be talked to like a child. I have never, EVER, not even ONCE been even remotely disrespectful to ANY of the people I work for, and I am dealing with some BIG personalities. And this is not the first time I was talked down to or even disrespected.  And all of this happened because they misread an email I forwarded.  (In reality, I suspect they were being squeezed from somewhere else by someone else that had nothing to do with me.  Kick the dog syndrome.) 

I took a walk and lamented and vented to the Lord.  The last time something like this happened at my prior job, I pushed back and got my walking papers by the end of the weekend. SO despite the fact that I fully had an email with "my side" of the morning experience composed in my head, But as I walked around the parking lot I just told the Lord, "OK, I put this in your hands.  I won't defend myself. YOU defend me. My name, my reputation, my feelings, I trust you with them all." And when my mind would start to swirl again, I would commit again. "ON YOU." 

I got two more emails from the same someone that I'd had the issue with in the morning.  One was a response that said "WELL DONE!" on something I had taken care of.  And the second was in response to a collection letter I'd written and sent, and their email response was that it was "the best correspondence" they'd ever read. "Perfect!" and "full of grace and tact." I read guilt for the morning,  Though later when I sent my end of day updating that I had done everything I was asked as I was asked I got another in a long line of mixed messages I get in this workplace a reminder that I need to remember "we're all a team." (I literally get told all the time to take more initiative and not be so worried about getting approval, and then I do and I get told I should have gotten approval....) So unlike the two thank you emails I sent for the "positive reinforcement," I just let it go and I was home and I was going to put the day behind me. 

I talked it over with the Lord in my journal and told Him again I would trust Him. This morning there were no phone calls, but lots of friendly and upbeat emails. I responded in kind. Then I took another midday walk with the Lord (2 laps around the parking lot because I don't get an actual lunch break) and I finally told the Lord, "I trust You with this, but I think I'm owed an apology." 

IMMEDIATELY I heard two scriptures go through my brain... 

"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." - Matthew 5:5

and 

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up." - James 4:10

OUCH! 

But, yes, OK Lord-- I want both of those things.  And I want them more than the apology that I absolutely DO "deserve." And just a little glimpse into the the psyche of this girl... I'm going to be battling over this for a while. 

 - Do they think I'm just a sap they can mistreat like that? 

 - I look like an idiot, like I am kissing their ass. 

 - Are they going to take advantage of me because I didn't stand up for myself? 

The list goes on... 

And I don't have a solid answer for any of it.  Except that I am more interested in what God has asked of me, than what I think I deserve according to the world's standards. 

God is more interested in my refining than whether or not I am feeling fine.  

Even writing this blog is an exercise in humility.  When I write and I share it, it's like I am giving up a piece of myself.  And when I put it out there and I don't see much of a response, it sets off internal battles of me too... Now, don't go responding just because I shared that, that's not my point.  

God and I have had this talk a lot over the years, and He is quick to remind me again now.  When He tells me to write and I write, it's a sacrifice to Him.  Period.  Whatever happens after that, is for Him to decide.  

When I wrote my novels, I had hopes.  I wanted them to be something special, I wanted them to make a change in my life. Dreams and aspirations of being a working author abounded.  The reality was, 50 friends read and enjoyed my book.  Which was great, but not profound.  I've dreamt of writing a blog that would go viral or a beautiful poem that did whatever famous poems do. But it's not been meant to be. 

But I have had people come across a blog I'd written years earlier, and come back to me and tell me how it blessed them.  I had one woman who read my first novel tell me that before she read it she was staunchly pro-choice (pro-abortion) but reading my book completely changed her perspective.  And those things are not nothing.  In honesty, sometimes those "little" things can be EVERYTHING to someone, and that matters.  And it's true for us all. 

We can never really know in this life what the ripple effect of our little actions and "obediences" might be.  But I do know I have to be prepared to lay aside my ego in order to do the things God asks me to do, even when they don't make sense, or fit our own plot or narrative.  And in the end, I have to trust the results to Him. 

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn from Me. I am meek and humble in heart. And you will find rest for your souls." - Matthew 11:29

What can I say. I don't fully understand it, but I know Who knows what He is talking about, and it isn't me. 

Take Me Back - Part 2

In case you missed it: Take Me Back - Part 1

Last night was such a precious time with the Lord, and even a victorious one, then, of course this morning, warfare started. 

The bridge of this song is one thing that really stood out to me as I was listening last night: 

When it was all simple

And loving was easy

When it was all simple

And trusting was easy

When it was all simple

(And loving) And loving was easy

Way back when, in these "altar days" of my life, things were simpler.  I was fighting for my family, I was fighting for my kids. The battle lines were clear. I was doing the fighting, God before me, Neal by my side, and our children behind us-- for protection, 

These days are harder, because I still feel all those same protective feelings. I still want to fight for my kids, but all too often it feels like instead of being behind me, they are standing against me.  Yes, I've heard all the commentary. They are adults now. I need to "let go," and "trust God," but sometimes (all too often) when they are making dangerous choices it's really hard to just look the other way.  It's hard to care and not do, or at least say, something.  And the alternative to completely separate myself and not care at all is darn near impossible. 

The last three years have been some of the hardest of my life as a parent.  I feel like I have been in a fight that is constant and difficult, and I am realizing that the issue is I have confused who my actual enemy is.  When my kids were little, I knew exactly who my enemy was and where to direct the fight. I so simply loved those children, and they were easy to love. It was easy to trust God with their future. And even though I made a lot of mistakes, I loved them, and that was enough.  And they loved and trusted me back. 

It would be fantastic if around the time our kids graduated high school, we could "graduate" from parenting.  Or maybe on their 18th birthdays, like our sons register for the draft, we could register for some sort of retirement? It's all wishful thinking, but what I have discovered about myself is that anger is easier. But I've spent the last couple years being angry while futilely trying to protect my kids from themselves and their own choices. And all I've ended up with is anger and resentment-- on both sides of the battle. 

As I sit here and type this, everything in me wants to explain and justify, but at the end of the day, this isn't actually about my kids, it about me.  It's about me and God.  And it's about what God has pointed out-- that I need to remember who my enemy actually is, and who I actually need to battle.. and most importantly Who I need to partner with in that battle... those battles. 

I also need to remember that sometimes (oftentimes?) the real battle doesn't involve anyone other than me. God has so much He wants and needs to do in me, and I keep climbing off the operating table. 

I do desperately miss the old days when I felt like I could keep my kids safe... or at least feel like I was keeping them safe.  The reality is, though, that they were always in God's hands. And they are in God's hands now... even if they keep climbing off the operating table... or wandering out of the operating room altogether.  I may feel frustrated and stumped by them, but God does not. 

So as much as I long for the "old days" what God wants to take me back to is the "old faith."  He wants the faith that busts into His "office" and demands He move in their lives.  He wants the faith that no matter how profound the risk seems that I could actually lose them, still willingly puts them in His far more capable hands. He wants to take me back to the faith that no matter how much it hurts to love, still trusts.

 

God wants to take me back to the girl who pored over His word until she found a verse or a promise that she could grab hold of, and plant her faith in.. One that she would mark and circle in her Bible and stand on with confidence and expectation in her life.  

I believe that God is calling me to this "Altar Journey" to remind of how much better it was to put the broken and fractured things in my life into his far more capable hands.  It is better to trust His timing and His ways, and most of all to trust His love and His character. 

He knows and understands that it's no easy task, but what other option do I have? I really have just made a mess trying to do things on my own these last few years, and as much as I am longing for a simpler time, God is really far more interested in taking me back to a simpler faith. I give my friends permission to remind me of that when my "flesh and my heart fail," because they surely will. 

It's funny, I went on a little walk earlier and had an "a-ha" moment with God that gave me a lot to think about. It occurred to me, that my children don't really know me very well. I have 24, 31 and 32 years of life experience (respectively)-- dreams, hopes, disappointments-- that they weren't even in the world for. They have this very narrow perception of who we are compared to how well we know the people that we have loved, raised and watched over since their earliest days. We really know a lot, barring what they hide from us. And as of right now, none of my children have any understanding of what it even is to have a part of your heart living outside of your body. (Though one is about to find out...) But as I am writing this now, it occurs to me, that God knows best, because God knows all-- with all of us. I think that used to be a truth I had a better grasp of in the past. 

So if the Lord wants to take me back to those days of simpler faith, greater confidence in Him, and a stronger anchor in His Word, I'm ready to go... Lord, take me back. 

I've got some traveling to do....

Take Me Back - Part 1

 When I first dedicated my heart to Christ back in 1992, I fell in love, rather quickly with God's Word.  My walk with Christ began with the pain of a past abortion, and I was very fortunate that God led me to two women who led a group of women like me to a place of healing, and they did it by teaching us the Word of God and how to apply it in our lives. God's Word spoke powerfully and directly to my pain, my past and my needs.  I very quickly began to learn the joy of treasuring His Word in my heart. 

I bought my first Bible and it was really something special.  I felt... connected to it. It quickly became my greatest treasure as I learned more about Christ, God's grace, His forgiveness, His goodness and so much more. I carried it proudly with me to my first ever Harvest Fest.  

As I sat in the stand of Anaheim Stadium and listened to the worship and Greg Laurie teach, I grew incredibly annoyed by a young man sitting behind me, mocking the whole thing.  I was SO irritated!! I really just wanted the guy to shut up or even better, leave.  Then I heard this small voice in my heart.  It said, "Give him your Bible." Wait? What?? 

I didn't hear any of Greg Laurie's teaching that night. I was WAY too busy having an argument with God. "Lord, you CAN'T mean that... I LOVE Your Word... Wouldn't that be like pearls before swine??  You KNOW how much this Bible means to me.  Why would You want me to give it away??"  The more I argued, the heavier the pressure was in my chest to do what I was being told. Oh the pressure, and the resistance. Then I don't know what Greg Laurie said, but the whole stadium erupted in cheers and applause and I heard God say with such emphasis, "Do it NOW!!!" 

I swung around so hard and so fast, I practically chucked it at the guy, and I think I kind of popped him in the chest with it. I said, with no kindness or charity, "HERE. TAKE THIS. God wants you to have it." And then I spun back around and sat down ignoring the strange looks I was getting from my Aunt who had come with me to the event.  I sat back down and didn't look back or around, or anything for the rest of the service. My attitude was basically, "Are You HAPPY now, LORD?" I knew I had been obedient, but I wasn't at all happy about it. 

All I really noticed was the guy had gotten quiet. His mocking stopped, but he didn't have a miraculous come to Jesus moment that led to him walking the stairs down to the altar or anything.  As the service wrapped up, I just wanted to get up and get out. When the time of escape finally arrived, I felt a tap on my shoulder as I tried to get away. I turned back to the young man and he had this somewhat dumbstruck look on his face. He looked at me and said, "Thank you." I replied simply, "Just read it." And he said he would. 

I don't know whatever happened to that young man, or my precious Bible, but I like to imagine that maybe someday we'll cross paths on streets of gold and he'll tell me how that day was a turning point for him. Maybe we will, but here nor there, the day was a lesson in obedience. 

This story came to my mind today as I was driving home from class and blaring worship in my car. The song Take Me Back by Maverick City came on. The song starts out with the lyrics "I remember when I was young and Your voice shouting loud my name... And since that moment I haven't heard it quite that way... Well now that I'm older, can You say it again?" 

The words of the song just pierced my heart.  It talked about a simpler time when loving and trusting were easy. When God opened my eyes and how REAL He was to me, when He was my first love. 

What I remember about those younger days was just how much I treasured His Word.  My Bible was like another limb, my strongest limb.  It was like a portal that would take me immediately into His presence and connect our hearts. I wish I had the words to accurately describe it. It was like an iron lung, the only way I could breathe.  A lot of people who don't know the Lord like to call the Bible (and religion in general) a "crutch."  It was 1000% a crutch because it was the only thing that kept me standing. 

In 1997 I bought myself another Bible that "fit" like the one I gave away in Anaheim Stadium that night.  It took me through a season in my life that I lived desperately for Christ.  The years I struggled as a young mom and didn't know how to love my firstborn son very well.  It sat on my lap as I built an internet ministry to women who had abortions in their past. It took my through infertility as I longed for my promised child. It was in that Bible that I read the passage that told me that daughter's name. I pored over it through the 3+ years that we fought to keep Ethan through all the adoption battles.  And I clung to it and the promises inside it when we worried over Tori's health crisis. 

This bible was so many things to me.  Most of all it was an anchor for my soul. It was my source of wisdom, the origin of hope. 

Those were some of the darkest and hardest days of my life, and truth be told, I think that Bible is a big part of why I even managed to get through them.  The pages are stained with tears, filled with highlights, underlinings and personal notes.  There are dates next to promises I circled that I knew God was speaking to me. Through those years, I was constantly reading and rereading. I would have a hurt or a need, and I could picture in my mind what the page looked like with the words I needed.  And I would pore through it until I found them again.  The Bible says that "Jesus is the Word," and I knew that to the very depth of my soul in that season of my life. 

A few years ago I bought another Bible.  If I am honest with you, it was just the last in a series of Bibles I bought that mostly sat on a shelf and gathered dust.  I'm honestly a little embarrassed to show you it's pristine condition.  I bought it in either January 2020 or 2021.  Whichever is the right year (and I think it's 2020) the way it appears basically untouched is a sad testimony to the difference in my walk with the Lord now compared to the days when I was carrying the Bible above. 

Most of the "altar" moments God has asked me to revisit in this new year were in the places where He met me while I carried and treasured this Bible and all of the words and promises to me in it. God could and did speak to me and meet me in those altar places because my heart and mind were fixed and focused on Him that only happens when you truly seek Him in His Word. 

I miss being that confidently desperate woman who barreled into a church board meeting, demanding that the pastor and elders stop their meeting to pray over my sick daughter. "Confidently desperate" might seem like an oxymoron, but that's not the case when you know that you know the the Lord is the ONLY answer, and you have absolute confidence that IF you seek Him, you will SURELY find Him. (Jer 29:13; Deut 4:26)

I've heard it said that you can tell a lot about a Christian by the condition of their Bible.  I know that is certainly true in my case.  Perhaps God's call for me to revisit the altar moments in my past is really a pathway back to Him.   I'm ready to find out. 

Take Me Back - Part 2

Broken Promises

I've had a lot of "altar moments" in the 31 years that I've been a Christian.  Many... Most? Almost all(?) of them have been connected to my kids, a lot of them specifically to my daughter. 

The first time I ever heard the voice of the Lord, He spoke to me about my daughter.  I guess you could say, even though it happened in a moving car, driving down a Southern California freeway, it was my very first "altar moment" with the Lord.

Truth be told, I didn't even know at the time that God could or would speak to His kids.  I was a brand new Christian who was just starting to learn about the God of the Bible. I had recently come to Christ in a very difficult, desperate and painful way.  I was a very broken woman over a past abortion. I had recently experienced my first miscarriage and I was convinced that God was punishing me for my sin. I was fortunate to have been invited to a church that had an entire ministry and Bible study for women like me who were coming to terms with the sin and pain of abortion in their past. 

It was a long and at times extremely painful process as God unpacked it all with me.  On this particular night in 1992 I was riding in the passenger seat while my husband was driving us down the freeway hosting my own personal pity party in my head. I had tried for over two years to get pregnant to no avail. I didn't find out I finally was pregnant until I was in the throws of an extremely sudden and painful miscarriage.  As we were driving down the freeway I was feeling sorry for myself, convinced I would never be a mom. 

Suddenly, interrupting my pity party, I heard, clear as a bell, the words, "You will have a daughter." It was so clear, I thought Neal might have said it, but when I asked him to repeat himself, he told me he hadn't said anything. So, obviously it wasn't an audible voice, but it was SO clear in my spirit, that I thought I had heard it with my ears. As I sat there reflecting, I found myself awestruck by the fact that God had spoken to me for the first time. 

It was 10 years and 2 sons later before she showed up, but I never wavered in my faith that she was coming. It had been that profound an experience.  When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I knew he was a boy from the moment I read the pink line on the stick, and with my second son, when we adopted him, the Lord gave me his name, I knew he wasn't going to be my daughter.  I knew I was going to birth that promise physically myself.  

I had a lot of altar moments surrounding her. The Lord gave me her name in 1996.  At the time I was running an online ministry to other women who had had abortions, and one day I was ministering to a woman in a chat room with my Bible open on my lap.  As I was reading and typing a particular scripture, it stopped me in my tracks. 

"For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the VICTORY that has overcome the world-- our faith." I John 5:4

I knew as I read it, that my promised daughter's name was "Victoria." Her middle name "Gayle" came later in honor of the book of Galatians when I read the verse that said, "'Rejoice, O barren, YOU who do not bear! Break forth and shout, YOU who are not in labor! For the desolate has many more children than she who has a husband.' Now we, brethren as Isaac was, are children of promise." (4:27-28)

This was a promise that was for all three of my kids, God had a call on their lives, and I felt confident of it. And the verse that Tori is named for actually became an anchor and, for me, our family verse. In 1998-1999, I had a couple more altar moments regarding my daughter. I had, at that point, been waiting for the promise to be fulfilled.  I had given birth to my oldest son Jacob in early 1994, suffered a second miscarriage in August of 1995.  I was certain the promise would be fulfilled, but I was growing impatient. 

One night I was at what we used to call "mini-church," which was an in-home Bible study.  During a time of corporate worship and prayer, as I prayed with my eyes closed I had a vision.  At that point I had learned to recognize how God would speak to me, but this was not the norm.  Typically it would be in my "feels" or in word pictures, but this particular night what I was was extremely visual.  I could see the "hem of his garment" very clearly.  It was so clear I was trying to touch it. I knew the story of the woman with "the issue of blood" in the Bible and remembered that all she had to do was touch it and God could heal me too, but no matter how hard I tried, it was beyond my reach.  I was honestly a little sad and confused as the time of worship and prayer came to a close. When I opened my eyes, a woman that I honestly wasn't particularly fond of was staring at me.  Even though we clashed a lot, I knew she knew the Lord well and heard from Him. She cocked her head and looked at me and said, "The Lord said, 'You don't need to be healed.'" I knew in that moment that God had spoken.  And a few months later. I found myself in a time of worship again, this time making my plea with God.  I was REALLY impatient for the promise at that point.  "I'M READY!!" I told him.  "Why won't you send her to me??" And crystal clear to my spirit I "heard" Him say, "It's not about when YOU are ready.  It's about when SHE is called." It was so clearly a word from the Lord that I built my "altar" there and never questioned His timing again.  

Two years later when she finally showed up, her presence alone was a reminder that I could trust God to keep His promises in his time.  By this time Ethan had been born 10 months before her and brought into our family, but his adoption was a 3+ year nightmare that is also filled with altar moment surrounding him.  And we spent a lot of time in a limbo that required standing on promises that God made over Ethan (starting with his name), and there were some days of serious doubt and fear about IF God would keep His word. Then I would look at my little girl as she slept in her crib and be reminded that God ALWAYS keeps His promises-- in His way, in His time. 

The last few years, things have really fallen apart between me and that little girl in the crib who reminded me of God's faithfulness and promises. Truth be told, they have fallen so completely apart and our relationship has so drastically changed for the worst, that it's made me question His promises. I've fostered and fed this huge doubt that has caused me to wonder if I ever really heard His voice.  Pain has overwhelmed my confidence and faith. I've at times doubted that I EVER heard the voice of the Lord.  And the enemy has done everything he can to insert himself in this situation to drive apart me and the Lord, me and my faith, and me and my daughter.  

In Revelation 12:11 the Bible says that we overcome the enemy "by the blood of the Lamb, and the WORD of our TESTIMONY." And the fact is that my testimony is filled with these altar moments where God has spoken to me and made me very direct and personal promises. He's even reminded me of, and finally clarified, one that I have been holding onto for many years.  A phrase He gave me a long time ago that I didn't really know how to apply until very recently. 

Now, mind you, I don't see ANY sign of this word or promise being fulfilled, but at the same time that the Lord has brought me some clarification of it, He has also given me the world "altar" for 2023.  I can't help but feel like the Lord has a plan here.  He's drawing me back, He's reminding me of His promise and He's asking me to revisit His faithfulness in my past.  

"For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry." Habakkuk 2:3 NKJV

"God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should repent. Has He said, and will He not do? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?" Numbers 23:19 NKJV

"For God's gifts and His call can never be withdrawn; He will NEVER go back on His promises." Romans 11:29

Altars are built as a reminder.  God has asked me to remember. 

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

I remember. 

Mercy

 I mentioned in my last blog post about God having to repeat Himself with me.  There is one question I find myself repeating to Him every time I stumble back to Him or cry out in the midst of my troubles. 

"What do You want from me??" 

And His answer is ALWAYS the same: "Do justly, love mercy, walk humbly."  (Micah 6:8)

Justice comes easy for me. I can be very black and white and am all about doing the right thing, never wanting to do wrong.  Things being fair is important to me. (Real fair, not the millennial, "woke" definition of fair.)  I'm the kind of person who will stand up for others when I see injustice, even if I don't know them. Do justly? Yeah, I got that. Do justly is good with me. 

Then comes the part about mercy... 

It might be easier if the Lord were simply asking me to act in mercy.  That could almost be considered a subsection of "doing justly," right? It could just be another part of doing that right thing, but that's not what the Lord is requiring of me. 

Love mercy.  

So here's the thing, I DO love mercy... when it comes to me.  I LOVE that God has been merciful to me. I love that despite the fact that I aborted a child created in His image, He has forgiven me. I love that though I lived in rebellion for the first 22 years of my life, in His mercy, He made a way of salvation for me. I love that even when I have backslidden like a prodigal or just neglected my walk with Him, in His mercy, He has kept His arms open for me. I love that when I have done really, stupid, inconsiderate, even cruel things, in His mercy, He has kept me under the blood and even blessed me even when I didn't deserve it.  There are so many times in my life that His MERCY has triumphed over (actually deserved) judgment, and I love that. 

But all too often, that love for God's mercy stops with me. 

I'm just going to be honest and transparent here, and confess, sometimes I see God's mercy in the lives of others, and not only do I NOT love it, it kind of pisses me off, especially when it's for someone who I don't feel like has done right by me.  I see the blessing of God's mercy in their life, and all I want is justice. 

I'm not proud of that. That is NOT a reflection of Christ living in me. 

Many years ago I felt wronged by a group of people and it really hurt me.  It wasn't "right" and I really wanted justice. Honestly, for a while, a little later, they hit a rough patch and things weren't going well for them, and I even found myself reveling in the "justice" I thought that represented. I wanted all the justice, but I could see God's mercy at work as I watched from the distance. I told God (what a dangerous statement that is) that I wanted more justice (by default less mercy) because of the wrongs that had been done to me (and others). 

That's when the Lord pointed out rather clearly, that I should think that through, because if JUSTICE was what was right for them, then that was what would also have to be right for me.  As the old (paraphrased) adage goes, "What's good for the sinfully fallen, human goose, is good for the gander as well." (And that included me.) 

God is completely consistent, and if I am going to love His mercy in MY life, then I have to really just LOVE HIS MERCY. Period. End of sentence.  I need to revel in the goodness of God, even in the lives of His other kids who have been a little too human to me. 

God really pierced my heart in that situation. And I'm happy to say He really opened my eyes in that situation. I was able to really let go of my demand for justice in that situation. I was able to forgive and let go and love God's mercy that I could see in that situation and in the lives of those people who had hurt me. And in that situation, even though there was never any official reconciliation, I have ZERO hard feelings and no bitterness, and from my demands for justice, I was able to completely set them free. (Not that they ever knew I imprisoned them there.) Not only, in that situation, was I able to love mercy, I was able to be a part of it.  And even if it's unbeknownst to my former prisoners, it settled a huge issue between God and me. 

Reread that paragraph, though. Did you catch my hints? God got through to me in that situation. But a holy habit, much less a godly attribute was NOT created. This whole "loving mercy" thing, is still a huge challenge for me. 

I know there is a very specific current situation where God's mercy is frustrating to me in the life of someone who is walking very contrary to His ways.  It's an interesting situation because on the one hand, I fear justice in this situation, but I'd also like limits to the mercy because I feel like God isn't going to get through if there isn't at least SOME justice meted out. It's a hard and painful circumstance (maybe the worst ever), but I rationalize and justify and feel a little less guilty about my lack of love for mercy in that situation, but the same truth still applies as before. God isn't letting me off the hook. 

But even as I have been writing out this blog post, God has highlighted another situation where I have been taking pleasure in the "justice" someone else is experiencing by struggling in a similar situation where I felt they hurt and abandoned (and judged) me when I was going through it.  But that is not what God requires of me.  Honestly, when that pang hit when God pointed it out a few minutes ago doesn't make me feel very proud of myself.  Let's face it, God's still got His hands full with me. 

Finally, I think what's important to realize is that third part of what the Lord requires, "walk humbly" doesn't really happen until there is a balance between the "doing justly" and "loving mercy."  I can't be that vineyard worker who showed up at 8 am complaining about how God pays the guy he came on at 5 pm. (Matthew 20) 

Walking humbly is about remembering that God is God and I am not.  (Seems like that should be easier, doesn't it?) Unlike me, He knows all, sees all and most importantly, knows best. The right "recipe" of love, and mercy, justice and grace is His to decide. And it is simply my privilege to partake, and I need to love the rich fullness and flavor of His mercy, not just myself, but for others... ALL others as well. 

It's NOT easy.  I guess that's why God keeps having to remind me. 

Altar

 As 2022 was coming to a close, I spent some time alone with God.  A habit that has been being neglected for far too long.  Thankfully, the Lord had been waiting patiently for my "call." 

It's been a tough few years, and sadly, when evaluated overall, rather than driving me closer to the Lord, it has really just created a huge interruption in my fellowship with Him.  I choose the word "fellowship" rather than "relationship" because it's not as though my faith or belief was ever affected, just my effort and activity in it.  

In my mind I have seen it like the Lord has never ceased to be there, but it's like He's just been standing in the corner and waiting for me, patiently, and I have just remained silent... Silent in my grief... silent in my sadness... silent in my disappointment... silent in my pain. I've never blamed God. I've never felt inclined to ask Him "Why?" Or "why me?" I've never been angry-- with Him, though I have had a lot of anger. Maybe that was part of what kept me at bay? But it wasn't like I felt ashamed to take it to Him. I never felt like He was judging me for being angry.  I just didn't know what to say.  So as He would "sit" quietly in the corner, I would just let Him. I knew when I was ready, He would still be there.  After all, even when we are faithless, He is still faithful. (2 Tim 2:13)

There were times when I would reach out. Over the course of what has been YEARS, there would be weeks and even months where I would try.  I would try to read my Bible more faithfully, I would try to sit with Him and pray (in my journal mostly), but it never lasted long. There would even be times when my desperation would rise high enough, in the darkest and most painful moments, that I would really seek, but nothing would really change or get particularly better (maybe a times just a little less worse) and I would just sink back again-- too tired to try, leaving Him back in the "corner" to continue to wait for me. 

As 2022 came to a close though, I found myself a different kind of tired. I started to feel tired of missing God-- missing my Father. Because even though I was the one neglecting Him, I still missed Him.  And I missed the days and times where even when things were hard, I still felt close to Him. In fact, I started thinking about how the times I felt MOST close to Him, were in fact that hardest times of my life... until this season, which felt even harder. 

So I spent time with the Lord as 2022 came to an end, just wanting to be closer to Him.  And I asked Him what He wanted from me, and as I got quiet and I got into His word, I listened, and as He always does, He was speaking.  He reminded me of things He said before-- some things He has said many times. He even repeated something that I have held in my heart for a long time and never fully understood. Suddenly I was looking at it with a different perspective. (Kind of like I had been spending years trying to put a square peg in a round hole, and he showed me the square hole on a completely different peg board.) 

As I worked through this conversation in my journal, I asked Him for a word for 2023. It's a tradition from a church I used to attend a long time ago, and I always found it an encouragement. I had a little list of words, like hope (not a favorite of mine) or mercy, patience or peace.  All great words, but none of them really felt like mine.  

So I sat back and put my ear buds in and turned on worship and asked the Lord to speak to me. The song that came on was "O Come to the Altar," and I immediately knew it was His word for me for 2023.

What I don't yet know is exactly what it means. I sense it's more of a theme than a direction.  I think He's asking me to look back at the Altar moments in my life, of which there are many.  And I think He is going to ask me to build new altars in my life. So that's what this blog is going to be for me, a place where I walk out this Altar "call" God has made for me. 

If you know me, you know I am a very open, real and raw outward processor. If you don't know me, come back and keep reading, it won't be long before you feel like you do. Then you can decide if you want to stay after that. (Haha.) 

I'm ready to walk out whatever the Lord is calling me to. If you want to stroll along with me, I hope perhaps you'll find some encouragement, or maybe feel a little less alone in your own struggles. Or maybe I will just tell you a story.  I cannot predict what I don't yet know myself, but for anyone who wants to walk a little or all of this journey with me, I'm really glad you're here. 

Here is the song God used to speak to me. Maybe He wants you to meet him at the Altar as well.