Ego

Yesterday I had an incident at my job that was really unfair.  I don't want to go into too many details but someone was having a bad day and they misread an email I sent to them and they came at me really hot.   Even after they realized their mistake, they had already unleashed and kept coming at me.  This person works remotely so all of our conversation was over the phone.  I was really getting blasted. I made that statement that I didn't understand why they were so upset with me and the response was "You talk too much."  

What they were referring to was me asking questions trying to clarify the orders being barked at me over the phone.  So I stopped asking questions. There was something that had to be done on her end before I could do what I needed to do for my job. They made the statement they they would do what needed to be done and then email me back.  In the midst of wanting to get away from a LOT of hostility, I made the mistake of taking that comment as the end of the phone conversation and I hung up. 

30 seconds later the phone rang and I REALLY got the goods. "DON'T YOU DARE EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!"  I told them I thought the conversation was over and apologized for my mistake.  I got told it wasn't  a mistake, that I was being "petty" and that I was going to get a talking to when they were in the office next week.  Then they ended the conversation and hung up. 

Honestly, I was pretty pissed off. I literally went from being the beloved golden employee the day before to suddenly being the petty problem employee who was going to require a meeting about my attitude. I am a 52-year-old woman who does NOT wish to be talked to like a child. I have never, EVER, not even ONCE been even remotely disrespectful to ANY of the people I work for, and I am dealing with some BIG personalities. And this is not the first time I was talked down to or even disrespected.  And all of this happened because they misread an email I forwarded.  (In reality, I suspect they were being squeezed from somewhere else by someone else that had nothing to do with me.  Kick the dog syndrome.) 

I took a walk and lamented and vented to the Lord.  The last time something like this happened at my prior job, I pushed back and got my walking papers by the end of the weekend. SO despite the fact that I fully had an email with "my side" of the morning experience composed in my head, But as I walked around the parking lot I just told the Lord, "OK, I put this in your hands.  I won't defend myself. YOU defend me. My name, my reputation, my feelings, I trust you with them all." And when my mind would start to swirl again, I would commit again. "ON YOU." 

I got two more emails from the same someone that I'd had the issue with in the morning.  One was a response that said "WELL DONE!" on something I had taken care of.  And the second was in response to a collection letter I'd written and sent, and their email response was that it was "the best correspondence" they'd ever read. "Perfect!" and "full of grace and tact." I read guilt for the morning,  Though later when I sent my end of day updating that I had done everything I was asked as I was asked I got another in a long line of mixed messages I get in this workplace a reminder that I need to remember "we're all a team." (I literally get told all the time to take more initiative and not be so worried about getting approval, and then I do and I get told I should have gotten approval....) So unlike the two thank you emails I sent for the "positive reinforcement," I just let it go and I was home and I was going to put the day behind me. 

I talked it over with the Lord in my journal and told Him again I would trust Him. This morning there were no phone calls, but lots of friendly and upbeat emails. I responded in kind. Then I took another midday walk with the Lord (2 laps around the parking lot because I don't get an actual lunch break) and I finally told the Lord, "I trust You with this, but I think I'm owed an apology." 

IMMEDIATELY I heard two scriptures go through my brain... 

"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." - Matthew 5:5

and 

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up." - James 4:10

OUCH! 

But, yes, OK Lord-- I want both of those things.  And I want them more than the apology that I absolutely DO "deserve." And just a little glimpse into the the psyche of this girl... I'm going to be battling over this for a while. 

 - Do they think I'm just a sap they can mistreat like that? 

 - I look like an idiot, like I am kissing their ass. 

 - Are they going to take advantage of me because I didn't stand up for myself? 

The list goes on... 

And I don't have a solid answer for any of it.  Except that I am more interested in what God has asked of me, than what I think I deserve according to the world's standards. 

God is more interested in my refining than whether or not I am feeling fine.  

Even writing this blog is an exercise in humility.  When I write and I share it, it's like I am giving up a piece of myself.  And when I put it out there and I don't see much of a response, it sets off internal battles of me too... Now, don't go responding just because I shared that, that's not my point.  

God and I have had this talk a lot over the years, and He is quick to remind me again now.  When He tells me to write and I write, it's a sacrifice to Him.  Period.  Whatever happens after that, is for Him to decide.  

When I wrote my novels, I had hopes.  I wanted them to be something special, I wanted them to make a change in my life. Dreams and aspirations of being a working author abounded.  The reality was, 50 friends read and enjoyed my book.  Which was great, but not profound.  I've dreamt of writing a blog that would go viral or a beautiful poem that did whatever famous poems do. But it's not been meant to be. 

But I have had people come across a blog I'd written years earlier, and come back to me and tell me how it blessed them.  I had one woman who read my first novel tell me that before she read it she was staunchly pro-choice (pro-abortion) but reading my book completely changed her perspective.  And those things are not nothing.  In honesty, sometimes those "little" things can be EVERYTHING to someone, and that matters.  And it's true for us all. 

We can never really know in this life what the ripple effect of our little actions and "obediences" might be.  But I do know I have to be prepared to lay aside my ego in order to do the things God asks me to do, even when they don't make sense, or fit our own plot or narrative.  And in the end, I have to trust the results to Him. 

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn from Me. I am meek and humble in heart. And you will find rest for your souls." - Matthew 11:29

What can I say. I don't fully understand it, but I know Who knows what He is talking about, and it isn't me.